Freefall
by Cerih
Summary: Ianto freefalls. Sort of sequel to 'It Was You', although works just as well on its own. Some spoilers for early season 1. Ianto/Jack


Disclaimer: I don't own Torchwood

Author's note: This is one of those stories that just happened. I hadn't planned on writing a sequel to 'It Was You', but something happened to me yesterday and I realised that what I was going through could easily be applied to Ianto during season 1. Some spoilers for Cyberwoman, Small Worlds and Countrycide. Although this is kind of personal, I hope you enjoy it nonetheless.

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Freefall

It started with the dream. He was browsing the shelves in a gift shop, looking for a six-sided die to buy for a friend. Jack was with him and they joked intermittently, holding hands every so often. Then Lisa appeared and the die was instantly forgotten. She accused him of forgetting about her, about their love, and he felt consumed by his guilt. At the same time he was ashamed that Jack witnessed the altercation, certain that the Captain would leave, disgusted by Ianto's weakness and failures. But the opposite happened. Lisa vanished. Jack came forward and pulled Ianto into his arms, into an embrace that was far too intimate to be given to a friend. The Welshman felt every inch of his employer's body against his and could not suppress the shiver that went through him. It felt good to be held by strong arms. It felt good to be held by Jack.

Ianto had woken to a growing sense of unease. The dream had been a perfect mixture of his desires and guilt. The death of Lisa weighed heavily on his mind. He continued to be consumed by shame for having betrayed his friends and co-workers and by guilt for having failed to save Lisa. His life had been crumbling since the battle of Canary Wharf, but now it seemed that the tide of grief had cleared away what little was left of it. He was still not certain he could stay at Torchwood. There were days when he craved for the amnesia pill and the chance to forget all the horrors he had witnessed. How glorious it would be to live once more in a world where fairies did not steal away little girls, where men of metal did not "upgrade" people by removing their humanity and where villagers did not capture and eat passers by simply because they enjoyed the taste of human flesh.

Still, he was not certain what to do. There were memories worth keeping as well. He and Tosh had become tentative friends. Myfanwy had seemed almost apologetic after attacking Lisa and had not nipped him for weeks during feeding time. He would not want to forget how much he loved Lisa. And then there was Jack. Things had initially been awkward when he returned after his suspension, but the Captain was soon back to his usual tricks. He had become more attentive of Ianto, remembering to ask the Welshman how he was and making sure that he occasionally had a day off. In fact, it was a flirtatious comment from Jack, coupled with a look that lasted just a fraction too long, that Ianto suspected had caused the dream to bubble up from his subconscious. The fact that he had been re-playing their conversation in his head before falling asleep probably did not help either.

So here he was, supposedly creating a digital database of the archive contents, but really his thoughts kept drifting back to the dream, time and time again. Just the memory of Jack against him made his breath catch and his eyes close involuntarily. More than once he had found himself staring at the Captain, who seemed to sense eyes on him and always looked up to meet Ianto's gaze. It was unnerving and every time the Welshman was unable to maintain the eye contact more than a few seconds. Once or twice Jack even asked if he was okay, but he always just looked away, unsure how to answer the seemingly simple question.

Thus his thoughts were already in turmoil when the realisation crept upon him – he was falling in love with Jack. The sudden clarity was unexpected and yet utterly logical. What else would explain the warmth he felt spreading through him when Jack and he looked at one another far longer than was necessary, or when he blushed and laughed at Jack's flirtatious words. He knew that Jack flirted with anything that moved, but something about the way he paid attention to Ianto, about the way he seemed to deliberately find something to tease him about, felt different. It may have been just his imagination, but it made the Welshman think that perhaps the Captain derived a little more pleasure from their shared banter than he did from flirting with the others or with strangers. Ianto was also fairly sure it was not just him who seemed to be hyper-aware of each time their fingers brushed and of the accidentally touches that seemed to linger just a second too long.

Nevertheless, it had been mere months since Lisa had died in the Hub and although Ianto was starting to find some inner peace again, falling for his boss was an unexpected turn of events. He had certainly been aware that he liked Jack, that he could easily fall in love with their dashing leader if given half the chance, but he had resolutely tried to avoid that chance. He was simply not ready for that kind of complex emotions, let alone for the implied actions that they demanded. He was fairly certain that Jack at least liked him back, but now was not the time to find out. The mere thought of confronting the Captain about his feelings caused a tight ball of anxiety in the pit of Ianto's stomach.

Falling in love was supposed to be a good thing, right? Then why did he want to leap up and run as far away from the Hub as he possible could? He did his best to focus on keeping his breathing steady and fighting the stinging in his eyes. He longed for solitude and for a quiet place where he could try to sort through all the feelings creating a maelstrom within him. He could barely handle acknowledging the depth of his feelings and he had no idea what to do about any of it. All he knew was that he needed to get away from the Hub, to get away from Jack. Perhaps that way he could gain some perspective on what his own life had become.

He had always assumed that sooner or later he would move on. Part of him, however, held on to his love for Lisa and to the act of mourning her, because it was familiar and he could do it with practised ease. Finding someone new, particularly if that someone was Jack, seemed too much too soon. Yet he was so starved of intimacy, of meaningful connection with another human being, that his subconscious had made the decision for him. He knew his feelings were involuntary and that he had little control over them, but he still had to live with the consequences. He shivered at the thought of what those consequences might entail, which suddenly seemed much scarier than hunting Weevils in dark alleyways.

A hand on his shoulder yanked him back to the reality and he glanced around himself to see the other work stations empty. It appeared that he had spent most of the day lost in his thoughts and that the others had gone home. Everyone, except Jack.

"Ianto."

His name on Jack's lips felt like a caress and he shivered again, although this time for a different reason as the word conjured up unbidden the memory of the dreamtime embrace. He slowly looked up to meet Jack's eyes and found himself freefalling into blue infinity.


End file.
